Julia Wexler | Vox

How to ask for help when you’re really going through it

2026-04-17T15:43:21-04:00

It recently dawned on me that I’m terrible at asking for help. But, to be fair, I never really needed to lean on others. Earlier this year, however, I developed pregnancy complications that required me to go on “modified bed rest” — a medical recommendation to restrict your activity levels. If I wanted a hearty home-cooked meal, someone would need to cook for me. My partner had to take over my dog walking responsibilities. I needed assistance changing my sheets, cleaning my apartment, bringing packages inside, and grocery shopping.

Asking for help, I’ve discovered, is tremendously difficult. Doing so puts you in a vulnerable position that can stir up intense feelings of failure and shame, especially in a place like the United States, where social norms emphasize independence. Feeling anxious about needing help is also common if you are a perfectionist who likes control, are part of a marginalized group that’s been conditioned to feel like a burden, or have a history of neglect or abuse and have learned to not rely on others, says Janelle Peifer, a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Richmond.

This can be true no matter your exact situation. Maybe you’re really struggling after getting laid off or divorced. Or, perhaps, you just need a quick favor like an extra pair of hands packing up your apartment or a fresh set of eyes on your resume. Either way, it can feel awkward.

But depending on others doesn’t need to be so daunting, and with a bit of preparation and a few shifts in your perspective, it can become not only easier, but also a powerful way to strengthen your connections. May I present: A quick guide to not shrinking inside yourself next time you need something from someone. Here we go:

Think about how good it feels to help others

When I first started reaching out to friends for favors, I felt like I was majorly inconveniencing them. “If you’re someone who hasn’t asked for help a lot or often, then it’s a big, scary thing to do,” Cassidy Dallas, a psychotherapist in Westford, Massachusetts, tells Vox.

Something that helped me get over that discomfort is reflecting on times I’ve helped other people — and I highly recommend you do the same. Maybe you helped a friend get ready to defend their master’s thesis, cooked a meal for a family member when they were sick, or simply brought a neighbor’s package inside. You probably didn’t feel like that person was a needy pest. The more likely scenario is that you felt great afterward, which is likely exactly how your crew feels when they do something for you, says Dallas.

Research shows that lending a helping hand — whether that is through volunteering, giving blood, donating money, or just making small gestures — is a potent mood booster. That’s because your body releases feel-good chemicals, like oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (a neurotransmitter linked to reward and pleasure), and serotonin (another mood-lifting hormone). In fact, many say they get a “helper’s high” when they give back.

Make a list of the tasks you need help with

Take a minute to jot down all of the tasks you need help with, and be as clear and specific as possible. The more abstract your requests, the harder it is for others to understand what you actually need and the less likely those tasks are to get done, says Peifer.

For instance, if you have surgery coming up, you might want 10 freezer meals. Or if you’re picking up extra shifts at work to pay for an unexpected and very expensive car repair, you could ask a neighbor to let your dog out at dinnertime. If nothing comes to mind immediately, sit with a close friend, partner, or therapist and put together a list, Peifer says.

Having a “menu” of asks ready to go will prevent you from drawing a blank next time someone asks the loaded question: “How can I help?” says Peifer. Instead, you’ve already gotten comfortable recognizing your needs and will be able to respond with a clear, actionable request.

Think about who might be best suited for each task

Once you have your task list fleshed out, think about who might be best suited for each item, Dallas says. My mom, for example, is an excellent deep cleaner, my dad’s an A+ dog walker, and my sister-in-law loves to cook.

“People take on different roles. You don’t need somebody to be all things for you,” Peifer says. Playing to someone’s strengths shows that you see and appreciate who they are, she adds, and increases the likelihood they’ll enjoy helping out. Better yet, it can be a practice in gratitude for you, too, reminding you just how many people you’ve got in your corner, says Dallas.

Pay attention to the small clues people share about what they enjoy, Dallas suggests. Maybe a friend casually told you in passing a while back that they love driving — a hint they’d be happy to give you a ride to the grocery store — or mentioned how much fun they have spending time with kids, signaling they might be a great babysitter. And if you’re unsure, it’s perfectly okay to ask what they’d enjoy doing.

Pick a “help advocate”

Even if you make the list and play to people’s strengths, you may still find it tough to receive help (I know I do). Friends often check in and ask if there’s anything they can do for me…and I picture them schlepping on the subway from Manhattan to Jersey City with a tray of lasagna and tell them, “I’m good!”

This is where a help advocate — or designated person to delegate tasks — can be super beneficial, says Peifer. Maybe your partner, a best friend, or a family member steps into the role. That way, you don’t have to directly tell people what you need if doing so makes you recoil. You make the list, you share it with your point person, and they coordinate the help, Peifer says.

Know your limits — and when help is needed

If you’re going through a rough patch or are generally overwhelmed with to-dos, you may find it challenging to gauge what you’re even capable of. “Humans tend to overestimate what they’re going to be able to get done in a certain amount of time or what they’re able to achieve,” says Peifer. As such, you may presume you’re capable of, say, keeping up with your typical work responsibilities when you’re simply not.

To avoid this, Peifer recommends setting some parameters in advance — i.e., “if/then statements” — that will help you recognize your own limits. For example, if you go three days without eating dinner, then it’s time to ping a friend and ask for help figuring out a few palatable and easy meals. Emotionally, maybe you’re finding it tough to get out of bed every morning or cry multiple times a day. “Those are all early indicators that it’s time to engage with your help-seeking behaviors,” says Peifer.

Setting these parameters when you’re in a clearer headspace will give you the tools to know when it’s officially time to reach out, says Peifer. That way, you’ll be primed to ask and receive support before your situation escalates into a full-blown crisis. And if you aren’t able to do that because something unexpected happened, keep an eye on how you’re doing with meeting your basic needs: If you’re struggling to eat, sleep, wake up, go to work, or complete basic hygiene and cleanliness tasks, that’s probably a sign you could use a little support.

Take a step back and look at the big picture

When you’re really going through it, you may feel like you are more of a problem than a pleasure to be around. As such, it can be easy to overlook what you bring to the table, says Dallas. But your relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. The people who are showing up for you aren’t going to like you less or disappear after they bring over a pan of frozen ziti. Yes, you may be the one in need of help right now, but one day they’ll need to lean on you.

This is not to say you should think about the exchange of goods and services transactionally — as in, They are helping me now and I will return the favor as soon as I am able. In fact, Dallas advises against that. Rather, remind yourself that this is how close, trusted long-term relationships work, says Dallas, and what connection and community are all about. And by trusting others to show up, you’re actually strengthening your ties, adds Peifer.

If you feel tender after receiving support, welcome to the club. It’s weird. Be kind to yourself, Dallas says, and consider planning a joyful activity you can look forward to after you get through whatever hard thing you’re dealing with. If you get it in your head that your friend feels burdened, consider telling them how vulnerable you feel, Dallas adds. This may also be a good time to let your people know how much you appreciate them. Write a thank-you card (my go-to move) or simply tell them you’re glad they’re in your life.

Other than that, know the crummy feelings will dissipate. Asking for help may never come naturally (I’m still waiting for that freeing moment!) but it also doesn’t have to be the most hellish thing you do when you’re already down and out.

8 ways to zone out and relax that don’t involve being on your phone

2026-04-15T10:58:35-04:00

I’m constantly on a quest to reset the demoralizing relationship I have with my phone. I generally try to swap scrolling with another leisurely activity — like reading, playing with my dog, or baking — but sometimes I’m too drained and, without thinking, reach for my phone.

When I’m that zapped, mindlessly looking at Instagram feels like the only thing I’m capable of doing, even though it inevitably makes me feel like a zombie. As Cassidy Dallas, a psychotherapist in Westford, Massachusetts, told me, scrolling “doesn’t actually feel good, it just doesn’t feel bad, and there are other activities we can do that actually feel good.” The goal is to use your downtime to feel relaxed, they add, not numb or further drained. In our always-on society, it’s easy to forget your brain needs a break from cognitively draining activities, including fun ones. But letting your mind rest is crucial — doing so reduces fatigue, replenishes your energy, and helps you learn and perform more efficiently later on.

To help with that, I compiled a list of ridiculously simple and mindless things to do that don’t involve your phone. Next time you want to completely veg out — likely 10 minutes from now for me, if I’m being honest — toss your cell to the side and try out one of the below options instead.

1) Watch a vapid TV show

I am a late adopter of reality TV, but I recently leaned into the genre as I’ve increasingly found it to be pleasantly mind-numbing. Dallas, the psychotherapist, says an overly simple TV show “gives us something to think about that is not the worries and difficult things that we often think about at the end of the day.” It also lets our brains rest, Dallas adds, without requiring high-level cognitive functioning. My picks: Love Island and the survivalist show Alone. Love Overboard is another popular pick (and one Dallas is also into), along with The Traitors. Certainly, anything playing on HGTV will work, too.

2) Stretch out your body

Gentle stretching relaxes your autonomic nervous system, which can calm both your brain and body, Dallas says. It also brings your attention back to the present moment and helps quiet racing thoughts. Best of all, you can do this from bed, and doing it for even just 10 minutes will feel really good.

Not sure where to begin? Focus on parts of your body that feel tight or tired. For me, that’s my hips, neck, and shoulders (from, you guessed it, staring at screens all day), so I’d benefit from chin tucks, shoulder rolls, or a hip opener. There are plenty of options out there that target your whole body. A few ways to upgrade your stretch sesh: wrap yourself in a heated blanket, lather on scented lotion, or take your practice outside, says Dallas.

3) Reach out to a friend

Rather than firing off reels or memes, reach out to your friends in a more intentional, meaningful way. While endless scrolling can leave you feeling lonely and isolated, talking to your friends directly can make you feel grounded and connected, Dallas says.

If you’re a yapper, give a friend a quick call or record a voice memo sharing a funny story or small moment about your day. (Yes, you’re using your phone to do this, but making a call or sending a voice memo is very different from being on TikTok for an hour.) If that feels like a lift, ask them if they’re down to watch a movie or sports game “together” at the same time. Dallas often watches live baseball games with a close pal. “We’ll just know that we’re both watching the same game and we’ll text each other back and forth,” they say.

4) Get comfy and listen to an audiobook or podcast

I’m a huge reader, but sometimes, I’m too wiped to pick up a book. When that happens, I turn to Spotify or Libby, the free library app, and stream an audiobook. “Listening to an audiobook gives you a chance to enter a different world by just pressing play,” Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles, tells Vox. A good story can be extremely immersive and distracting — a gift when you’re trying to tune out and pass the time.

If audiobooks aren’t your thing, you can achieve the same effect with a podcast. Research has found that podcast listeners tend to feel productive, more connected, and like they learned something new (all things that scrolling will not provide). An added perk for those strapped for time: “They’re brief, and they’re bite-sized,” Lurie says. Lurie opts for feel-good podcasts that tell a captivating story. Her faves: Heavyweight, The Moth, and This American Life.

5) Take a shower or bath

A warm bath or hot shower can quickly settle your nervous system, Lurie says. In fact, research has shown that bathing is linked to improvements in stress, anger, anxiety, and depression. “It calms us down; it slows us down,” Lurie says.

To enhance your rinse, play some music, dim the lights, or toss a bath bomb into the tub. Or incorporate some of the above activities — like listening to an audiobook, stretching, or, if you can safely set-up an iPad, watching some crappy TV. Another idea: Try out a “mindful shower” — bring your attention to the temperature of the water, the smell of a soap, the sound of music, the lighting in the room, or the feeling of your muscles softening, Lurie suggests. “All of that can help shift you out of scrolling mode and into a more grounded, present state,” she says.

6) Journal with voice notes

Despite being a professional writer, there’s nothing I’d rather do less than scribble my thoughts and feelings in a notebook when I’m feeling sluggish. Dallas can relate, which is why they recommend journaling with voice notes instead of a pen and paper.

To do this, open up your voice notes (or use a voice journaling app) and start talking about your day. If you’re stumped about what to talk about, do a quick search for journal prompts, Dallas recommends. You can relisten in the future if you want to, but you can also trash it later (which is what they do). The mere act of rambling into the abyss helps you rest and process your thoughts and feelings in a raw, open way. As the authors of one study put it, audio journaling is a lightweight, unobtrusive activity — and isn’t that the exact goal here?

7) Do a simple arts and crafts project

If you have 15 minutes, take part in a light and quick craft project. And before I lose you: You don’t need to be artistically skilled or highly creative to get something out of it, Lurie says. The key is choosing a project with repetitive motions. That way, your hands will start moving almost automatically, Lurie says. In other words: Your art project shouldn’t require all that much brain power.

Try picking up a set of thick felt-tip markers and doodling in a chunky coloring book or working through a paint by numbers kit. Dallas enjoys knitting scarves and shawls. (Opt for an easy pattern that doesn’t require paying close attention.) Recently, I’ve been enjoying bedazzling books. It requires minimal effort and, without fail, I fall into a delightful trance within a few minutes. Highly recommend!

8) Close your eyes and daydream

This is something I do frequently, and is, perhaps, the most low-bar, low-effort way to reset. Simply lie down, close your eyes, and let your mind wander. That’s it. No rules, no pressure, no right-or-wrong way to go about it. You definitely don’t need to make this a productive brainstorming session, and try not to use the time to think about your to-do list. “Follow it instead of trying to guide it,” Lurie says.

Daydreaming allows you to access your hopes, dreams, goals, and to “things you may not otherwise give yourself space and information to explore,” Lurie says. It also promotes creativity and can help improve your mood. It takes zero effort, and I always leave my daydreaming sessions feeling extremely relaxed and refreshed.

Finally, if you take one thing away from this article, let it be this: You’ll need to experiment with different activities. What captures one person’s attention may not do the trick for another. Your preferences may even change day to day or hour to hour. Start with the items on this list. If you like them — even if that’s only enough to replace a short stretch of swiping — great. If not, keep digging. There are plenty of options, and, at this point, almost anything will feel better than getting sucked into the black hole of an endless scroll.

Are the therapy sessions where I have nothing to say really…doing anything?

2026-04-14T15:57:16-04:00

Most weeks when I meet with my therapist, she triages some aspect of my life that is actively bursting at the seams — my inability to rationally talk about politics, for example, or the state of my personal finances. But, every so often, life feels uneventful, and I head into sessions with nothing to talk about. On a number of occasions, I’ve considered cancelling these appointments. Why waste 45 minutes of my time and spend $30 on a copay when I feel fine and have nothing to say?

But according to the two therapists I spoke with for this story, these seemingly boring sessions can be incredibly insightful and impactful. In fact, shooting the shit with your therapist can strengthen your bond, help them see how you function during periods of calm, and uncover unaddressed problems. As Claudia Giolitti-Wright, the founder and clinical director of Psychotherapy for Young Women in New York City, tells Vox, “Sessions where a client says, ‘I have nothing to talk about’ — they’re rarely empty. They often reveal something.” So much, in fact, that I left these two interviews convinced that the easy breezy appointments are just as important as the turbulent ones. Here’s why.

Therapists see this all the time — and they know how to deal

If you, like me, often start your sessions by apologizing for “have nothing going on,” consider this permission not to worry or feel awkward. Matt Sosnowsky, a psychotherapist and the founder of Philadelphia Talk Therapy, says he hears this from patients all the time, and it’s no big deal. Therapists are specifically trained to deal with this kind of lull.

“Oftentimes, I’ll just prompt them for an update on what’s been going on,” he says. With clients who are there to work on a specific issue, he’ll follow up on the topics they’ve been working through. With other patients, he’ll keep things more open-ended, asking about work, their overall mood, or their relationships to get the conversation flowing. This is to say: Don’t sweat it if you aren’t prepared. You don’t need to show up ready to perform or impress, says Giolitti-Wright. Your therapist knows what to do and say.

Appointments where you have “nothing to talk about” create space for overlooked issues to surface

Even if you consider yourself highly self-aware and feel clear on the reasons you’re in therapy, there are almost always deeper, buried issues that you’ve overlooked, downplayed, or completely avoided. As you start talking, even if it feels like you’re saying nothing of value, these underlying issues often rise to the surface. Sometimes these issues naturally bubble up — as Giolitti-Wright says, people will start rambling about, say, how they bought a Christmas tree but then “end up talking about the deepest shit.”

Even when that doesn’t happen, your therapist is trained to pick up on subtle cues — such as shifts in body language, tone, and attitude — that signal you’re struggling with something. Sosnowsky calls these cues “ports of entry.” “Those are often inroads to learn about what you’re carrying that you may not even notice,” he says, and your therapist will likely use that to dig deeper.

For example, if you let out a big exhale while talking about work, Sosnowsky might say, “I noticed that deep sigh, what’s that about?” or ask more targeted questions about your job. Then, you’re off to the races. This creates an opportunity for you to examine something you may not have fully considered yet or have been avoiding altogether, says Sosnowsky.

After all, these simmering problems tend to influence your mood and choices on a regular basis more so than the obvious catastrophes, adds Giolitti-Wright. Tending to them early and proactively can help you and your therapist identify solutions for long-term relief and prevent them from snowballing into larger, more difficult issues.

It’s good for your therapist to get a glimpse of your full personality

Many people, myself included, tend to see therapy as a thing to do when you’re dealing with something specific or when there’s an emergency. But that’s a huge misconception, according to Giolitti-Wright. The purpose of therapy is to enhance your daily functioning, improve your quality of life, and ease symptoms like irritability or hopelessness. To do this effectively, your therapist needs to see how you function as a whole person. As Giolitti-Wright puts it, “How you are when nothing is wrong or in crisis is as important as how you are in crisis.”

If your therapist only ever sees you during moments of extreme stress, it can actually be harder for them to provide guidance that effectively addresses and resolves your problems long-term, she adds. By learning about how you move through your day when things are good — and getting a sense of your strengths, your sense of humor, etc. — your therapist can provide personalized advice and spot patterns that may be contributing to recurring challenges.

Recognizing these patterns can reveal deeper, more systemic issues affecting your life, says Sosnowsky. What initially appears to be minor frustration with your new boss, for example, may actually stem from a more general resistance to change. These revelations “often come just from getting to know what somebody’s life is when they’re not completely zeroed in on explaining to you their interpretation of a specific issue,” Sosnowsky says.

Your therapist can often see a rough patch coming before you do

One additional benefit of “talking about nothing” is that it may help your therapist pick up on early signs of mental health conditions like major depressive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder. Even if you’ve been doing well overall or your symptoms have been in remission, mounting stressors can gradually shift that balance, says Sosnowsky. Many people don’t recognize when they’re slipping into a depressive state, especially folks whose conditions typically ebb and flow, he says.

Regular appointments, including ones that seem unproductive, allow therapists to track subtle changes over time — like a shift from feeling stressed to hopeless — and notice when someone may be entering a more difficult period. That might lead your therapist to ask about your everyday habits — Are you exercising? Sleeping well? Eating enough? Doing things for pleasure? — and discuss ways to prevent your symptoms from escalating, says Sosnowsky. As he puts it, these check-ins help you “get ahead of the depression because it’s much harder to treat when you’re in the throes of a full-blown depressive episode.” They may also prompt your therapist to conduct an assessment to determine if you may have a mental health disorder that hasn’t been diagnosed.

You’ll strengthen your relationship with your therapist — which is important long-term

At the very least, your “nothing to talk about” sessions will strengthen the bond you have with your therapist. While that may not seem all that important, having a strong relationship is absolutely critical. Research suggests this relationship, dubbed the “therapeutic alliance,” is the most powerful determinant of how effective therapy will be for you. “You could argue this is the single most important aspect of therapy, and not only in terms of the quality of the experience, but the actual efficacy of outcomes,” Sosnowsky says. The closer you feel to your therapist, the more trust, empathy, and collaboration there will be, which will ultimately help you open up more and experience personal growth.

One final thing to keep in mind: You don’t want every single appointment to be aimless. If you perpetually feel like you’re spinning your wheels or that your mental health is stagnant, it may be time to look for a new therapist, says Sosnowsky. But, if, every now and then, you feel like you spent $30 to kick back and gossip about your coworkers with your therapist, rest assured that you’re still making good use of your time. Heavy lifting doesn’t always need to feel so heavy.

What to say to relatives who love to needle you about politics

2026-04-01T18:30:07-04:00

As someone who has predominantly lived in liberal cities, I am largely surrounded by people who share my political views. Guns, no way. LGBTQ+ rights, yes, of course. Abortion, absolutely. Immigration, come on in.

But I also have relatives, most of whom I love and am deeply attached to, in red states, which means I’m regularly exposed to people across the political spectrum. There are liberals, moderates, conservatives, and a few MAGA individuals in my bloodline. And while I’d like to believe I’m a level-headed, logical human being who gets along with everyone, there’ve been times where I’ve completely lost my cool and snapped at them. Like when one sent an offensive meme about ICE. Or when another laughed at President Donald Trump rudely calling a journalist “piggy.”

When such events occur, my blood pressure spikes. I spit out a string of facts in some sort of ballistic effort to prove they’re wrong, and when we inevitably don’t see eye to eye, I storm out of the room. I’m well aware this isn’t productive, but I also don’t know how to effectively deal with people who needle me about Trump.

To get some tips, I called up two pros on conflict and relationship dynamics and asked them how someone in my position can best cope in these situations. My mind was blown by how realistic and practical their advice was, and for the first time since January 20, 2025, I felt legitimately hopeful I could navigate these moments without winding up hurt and angry. If this is something you also struggle with, take a look at their recommendations below; maybe you’ll feel the same.

Take a beat — and a breath

When I hear a sly comment about, say, the state of reproductive health care in the United States, I don’t merely disagree. Rather, I feel like my personal rights as a woman are being attacked — or, in the case of gender-affirming care or immigration, the rights of my friends and neighbors. Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles, says this is a very common reaction, as the political climate has created tension and ruptures in many people’s personal relationships. “There’s a very strong feeling of, ‘You’re either with us or against us’ on both sides,’” Lurie tells Vox.

As such, when someone makes a crass remark, you may feel cornered or unsafe and become reactive, Lurie says. Your nervous system goes haywire — your heart rate spikes and stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline surge.

Before you say or do anything, Lurie recommends pausing and taking a few deep breaths — or, if deep breathing isn’t your thing, take a few sips of water, go to the bathroom, or pretend to do a quick chore. Doing so will help you ground yourself so you can reply thoughtfully. By slowing down, “you can be purposeful and responsive instead of reactive” when you do reply, Lurie says.

Get curious — and focus on their deeper interests

We’re often quick to judge people based on a quick comment and jump to conclusions about their politics that may not be completely accurate, says Larry Schooler, a professor of conflict resolution and facilitation at the University of Texas at Austin. We also tend to zero in on people’s positions — like how they feel about abortion and gun control — rather than their deeper interests. This sets up a dichotomy where you’re either on the same team or enemies, which can cause the environment to quickly turn hostile, according to Schooler.

People, in general, don’t like to feel judged or criticized and tend to become defensive, angry, or disengaged when they do. They want to feel seen, heard, and respected, Schooler says.

Try his go-to line: “Why is that important to you?”

So, instead of shutting them down, try to get curious about where your family member is coming from. When they share their take, Schooler suggests saying something along the lines of, “What made you say that?” or “What makes you think that?” Or try his go-to line: “Why is that important to you?” If they made a joke that didn’t land for you, Lurie says to go with something like, “I know you’re trying to be funny, but I can’t really laugh at that, but I want to understand what was so funny about it for you?”

Taking this approach can be challenging, especially if you’re fired up and fundamentally disagree with their opinions. But if you can stomach it, you may be able to get someone to expand on their surface level comment or position, giving you a better sense of who they are. Depending on their response, you may see that they formed an opinion based on misinformation they saw on Facebook and are open to learning more about an issue. Or, in the case of abortion, you may discover that they genuinely support access to reproductive healthcare, but feel conflicted religiously or spiritually. You “may not necessarily agree,” Lurie says, “but at least understand what they’re trying to communicate.” And you may even find some common ground instead of solely fixating on your differences, adds Schooler.

Use “I” — not “you” — statements

Using “I statements” — the concept of sharing your feelings and emotions rather than blaming others for their shortcomings — is a tool commonly used in couples therapy, but it can be an effective strategy in political conversations, too. When you’re having a heated discussion with someone, pointing fingers and saying “you did this” can come off as an attack and put them on the defensive, even if you feel justified and like the other person is in the wrong, Schooler says.

A better approach: Express how their comments affect you without criticizing or blaming them. This conveys compassion and cooperation and shows that you’re open to negotiation (even if you really aren’t), research shows. Maybe say, “When you made that joke, I felt really uncomfortable.” “What you’re trying to do is say, ‘Look, I have feelings and those feelings matter,’” Schooler says. You don’t need to justify your emotions or explain yourself beyond that. Ideally, the person will see they’ve agitated you and lay off. If they don’t? Tack on this line: “If we’re going to broach that subject, I’d love to do so intentionally and delicately since we see it very differently.”

Ask for permission to keep the conversation going

In these scenarios, I often feel an intense desire to change the other person’s mind — but, of course, I never have, probably because I lob out unsolicited facts (something literally nobody enjoys). A better tactic is to ask for permission to engage in a conversation about said topic, Schooler says. He recommends saying something to the effect of: “I really can see how big of a deal this is to you. It’s actually also a big deal to me, and I’m wondering if I can share some things about it that resonate with me?”

You may think that because someone introduced a topic they are down to maturely converse about it further, but that’s not always the case. Asking for permission provides the person with an opportunity to listen while also sparing yourself from potential disappointment if they don’t want to engage, according to Schooler. As he says, “It’s better to wait until someone is in a position to listen, even if that’s days or weeks or months, than it would be to try to force it.” This also sets an example for how you’d like to be treated in the future. Instead of assuming you’re open to political jokes and insensitive comments, maybe they, too, will start broaching politics in a more sensitive manner.

And if they don’t? Or if these tips are a bust and you still blow a fuse? Then it may be time to team up with a certified therapist. They can evaluate your unique circumstances and provide personalized tips to help you deal with difficult people and topics. These are intense, uncertain times — everyone’s on edge, everything feels scary, and, at the end of the day, we all (okay…most of us) are just doing the best we can.

The ugly emotion pregnant people aren’t supposed to talk about

2026-03-24T11:05:52-04:00

I have found pregnancy to be abhorrent. | Paige Vickers/Vox; Getty Images

Greetings from hell — that is, the third trimester of my high-risk pregnancy with fraternal twins. Unlike every pregnant person on Instagram who is either waltzing around a meadow, cradling their bump in total bliss, or sorting through chic baby decor somewhere in their 7,000-square-foot mansion, I have found pregnancy to be abhorrent.

I spent the first four months puking multiple times a day, thanks to sky-high pregnancy hormones. I had two solid weeks where I got my energy — and appetite — back, during which time I thought, Cool, let’s get into this and buy the cute maternity outfits and baby gear. Then, I was diagnosed with cervical issues, admitted to the hospital for surgery, and told to spend the next four months on “modified bed rest” (a prescription to be off my feet as much as possible). Most days, I am in good-ish spirits, while, at the same time, feeling totally perplexed that some people find pregnancy to be enjoyable.

I also feel deeply ashamed that I detest this thing that’s supposed to be a beautiful, special, sacred experience, especially when so many of my friends are struggling with infertility and paying tens of thousands of dollars for egg freezing or in vitro fertilization (IVF). But according to Dr. Ariadna Forray, an associate professor of psychiatry and director of the Center for Wellbeing of Women and Mothers at Yale School of Medicine, my emotions aren’t an anomaly; they’re the norm. “It’s more the exception that I’ve ever met someone who’s been overjoyed throughout the whole pregnancy and is just ecstatic about it,” Forray told Vox.

Why do I feel guilty about disliking pregnancy, anyway?

To this day, pregnancy is still framed as something to want in life. Movies and TV shows often romanticize it, and there’s no shortage of posts on social media portraying pregnancy like the be-all and end-all of womanhood. Everyone from strangers on the street to close family members make comments like “enjoy this time!” or “I loved being pregnant.” Another one I hear is “you’ll forget how bad it is once you have your babies.”

More often than not, pregnancy is treated as a celebratory period in a person’s life — packed full of developmental milestones, baby showers, and babymoons. We hear more about these positive elements and less about the negative aspects, because American society generally idealizes motherhood. Historically, women were primarily seen and treated as childbearers — a perspective that has dramatically shifted in recent years but lingers, especially in communities that ascribe to traditional gender roles.

As a result, expectations of what pregnancy should be like get lodged in our brains, which can make people, myself included, feel super guilty when different emotions unexpectedly emerge. I always assumed I’d have an easy and active pregnancy if I were to have children — a belief, it turns out, that couldn’t have been further from the truth (I write from bed next to an assortment of pills). As Forray told me, there’s this massive dissonance between what society tells you pregnancy should feel like and how people actually feel. “It’s really problematic, because it’s not accurate,” she said.

Pregnancy is physically and emotionally difficult for a lot of people

Pregnancy triggers massive and profound shifts in your brain and body: hormones surge, blood volume expands, the central nervous system reorganizes, and brain cells undergo a metamorphosis. Depending on what cards you draw, you may develop morning sickness, incessant peeing, acid reflux, sleepless nights, sore boobs, sore everything.

This disconnect — between how we think we should feel or act and how we truthfully feel and act — can trigger shame and reinforce “this narrative that I’m not a good mom, and it hasn’t even started yet,” Pham said.

While pregnancy is known to intensify mental health symptoms — like anxiety and depression — in those with a history of psychiatric illnesses, people who’ve never been diagnosed with a mood disorder often feel irritable, stressed, or overwhelmed and, therefore, often don’t find their pregnancy all that joyful, studies show. At the same time, you have to reckon with the fact that you are about to become a parent and your life, as you knew it, is gone. Oh, and deal with a slew of logistics, including strained finances, future child care plans, and frequent medical appointments that pull you away from other responsibilities like work and a social life. “It’s a big change and it’s a big transition,” said Forray. “That can weigh very heavily.”

If you intentionally tried for a baby or did so through reproductive technologies like IVF, you may think: “I wanted this and now I’m not happy about it. Does that make me a bad person? Shouldn’t I be happy?” Forray said. If you previously had a miscarriage, as 10 to 20 percent of pregnant people do, you may struggle with unresolved grief or an overwhelming fear you may lose this pregnancy, too. If you develop complications like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, or a weak cervix, you could fixate on the scary consequences your doctor warns you about like preterm birth, early loss, stroke, or stillbirth. The list goes on: People with a history of sexual abuse may equate pregnancy to their traumatic experiences, individuals with unplanned pregnancies may feel a loss of control, and some with unwanted pregnancies who want an abortion may struggle with their decision, even when they know they’re not ready for a kid, and, especially, when they live in an area where reproductive healthcare is restricted or banned.

Pregnancy is hard — on the brain and the body — whether it’s easy or medically complex, Olivia Pham, a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health, told Vox. In fact, she said the vast majority of her clients did not enjoy their pregnancy for one reason or another. And many wind up feeling “robbed of this ideal pregnancy that society has told us we’re all going to have,” she said.

Another thing: Not everyone feels an immediate connection to the baby (or babies) growing inside of them — a particularly common reaction among those with past losses or complications, as they may try to avoid becoming attached in case the unexpected occurs, Forray said. My pregnancy app constantly tells me to talk to my belly to foster a bond, but doing so feels weird and unnatural. Again, this disconnect — between how we think we should feel or act and how we truthfully feel and act — can trigger shame and reinforce “this narrative that I’m not a good mom, and it hasn’t even started yet,” Pham said.

Here’s how to deal with hating pregnancy

The main thing Forray wants pregnant people to know is that feeling consistently happy during pregnancy is extremely rare, and whatever you’re feeling is valid. Not being all that jazzed about it doesn’t make you a bad person, a bad mother, or a bad partner, she added.

There isn’t a magic pill you can take that’ll carry you straight to cloud 9. Rather, the real key is to acknowledge there’s no right or wrong way to feel and that it’s normal to experience a wide range of thoughts and emotions. I’ll be the first to admit this is true: Some days, I feel excited and giddy. The next day, I’ll feel like I blew up my life. Other times, I simply feel grateful I’m able to continue my pregnancy at home and not in a hospital.

When I asked Pham if there’s anything people like me should be doing to repair or improve their relationship with pregnancy, she said it’s actually better not to try and spin it in a positive way. She doesn’t try to fix her clients’ perceptions; that’d be toxic positivity, which is more harmful than helpful. Instead she “validates the absolute heck out of it.”

That said, there are a few things that may help you cope. First, try to sit with your emotions, because the more you push them away, the louder they tend to get, Pham said. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or even a support group about whatever you’re going through. Journal about your emotions, make art, play music. If you’re able to, go for a walk or practice gentle stretching at home. All of these activities help us process tough emotions, which there is certainly no shortage of during pregnancy, Pham said.

You might also consider seeing a therapist — ideally, one who focuses on perinatal mental health. Sometimes, you need more support than your friends or family can offer, Pham said. Some clues you do: you aren’t sleeping well, you’re super on edge, your appetite has changed, and you’re struggling to concentrate.

Lastly, do yourself a favor and stay off social media, as the algorithm does a fantastic job of sucking us into this loop of looking at idealized versions of pregnancy that create unrealistic expectations and pressure. Go easy on yourself; you’re going through a lot. As Forray told me, “it’s okay to not feel okay about being pregnant.”

The best financial advice I ever received

2026-03-13T11:19:52-04:00

Taxes can cause a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety, particularly if you were hit with hefty tax bills in the past. | Getty Images/iStockphoto

If you tend to sob every tax season while compiling your yearly expenses or checking random boxes on TurboTax, then you have come to the right place. I, too, used to be in your position — until I hired an accountant and made my money problem her money problem.

Before that, however, taxes were my albatross. I am a freelance writer, which means, come March each year, I have an infinite number of W-9 and 1099 forms to sort through. I am married to a stand-up comedian who performs at venues across the country and therefore has more 1099 forms than I do (and don’t even get me started on his travel expenses). We file jointly, and our tax situation is a logistical nightmare — and one, if I’m being honest, we simply aren’t equipped to handle ourselves.

A few years back, a family friend noticed we’d become prisoners to our taxes and made a suggestion: Why not use an accountant? This seemed unaffordable and unrealistic for two gig workers, but we ultimately heeded their advice and have never looked back. In fact, it made such a difference for me that I now feel personally responsible for preaching the gospel to anyone who will listen. If you can finagle it, please, for your sanity, do yourself a favor and use an accountant.

Yes, filing taxes is a god-awful, laborious process

Let’s address the obvious: Filing your taxes is the worst thing on Earth. As Nathan Astle, a financial therapist with Financial Therapy Clinical Institute, succinctly put it: The task requires a lot of mental energy. For many people, following the prompts on a DIY service like TurboTax or FreeTaxUSA — while enticing — is not a simple, intuitive process. Many of us have several items to report: multiple income streams, as is the case in my situation, or student loans, car loans, interest on your bank accounts, investments, inheritances, and property you own. Meanwhile, there have been several changes to the tax code this year that you may or may not be aware of. As a result, filing your taxes usually isn’t something you can knock out in a half hour. “There is so much we have to [report], and it’s really a form of cognitive overwhelm,” Astle tells Vox.

As a result, taxes can cause a tremendous amount of stress and anxiety, particularly if you were hit with hefty tax bills in the past. According to Astle, taxes often snowball into an emotional burden, with some folks (my younger self included) equating them to incompetency or a personal failure. He says that people might get caught in a shame spiral where they think there is something wrong with them — Why can everyone else get this done but I can’t?

If you become afraid of your taxes, your body’s automatic stress response — the fight or flight or freeze system — can activate, leading you to avoid doing them altogether or turn to unhealthy coping skills, including stress spending and lashing out at loved ones, says Astle. “I am doing everything I can to not deal with the problem,” he says. “All of that can be a downstream effect of the taxes themselves.”

Here’s how tax pros can help lessen the load

Tax professionals, like a certified public accountant (CPA), tax attorney, or enrolled agent, are financial professionals who’ve been specially trained and certified to prepare other people’s taxes. They are basically wizards who tell you the documents they need from you to file your taxes, such as your W-9 and 1099 forms, interest earned in savings, and taxable investments. Once you’ve handed those off, they organize them and then prepare your tax return. After that, they’ll share your finalized return with you so you can ensure it’s accurate and sign off on it. Then they’ll file the return with the IRS plus the state and city you reside in. Once that’s complete, they mail you a packet with clear instructions that state what you owe, to whom, and by when, says Dina Megretskaia, a principal and wealth manager at Modera Wealth Management. Or, if you overpaid and are getting a refund, the amount of money to expect in your bank account.

Our accountant showed me how I can write off a portion of my rent and monthly WiFi bill (because I have a home office) to cut back on how much I owe.

Accountants simplify what is a very complicated, confusing process. They ensure you are filing everything accurately, so you can avoid errors and, with that, needing to amend your tax return down the road, says Megretskaia. “Having a person walk you through the steps and break this big, bad thing called taxes down into Step A, Step B, Step C can help a lot,” Astle says.

Another perk: Accountants find opportunities to help you take advantage of tax credits or rebates to save money. “They have an understanding and awareness of our complicated tax code, and how your situation translates to what you have to pay,” Mergretskaia says. For example, they may advise you to contribute a specific amount of money to a retirement account to offset your taxes. They may coach you to funnel money into a 529 plan, a fund for your children’s education, or teach you how charitable donations can be deducted from your taxable income. Our accountant showed me how I can write off a portion of my rent and monthly WiFi bill (because I have a home office) to cut back on how much I owe.

Signs it’s time to hire an accountant — and how to find a trustworthy one

A few red flags to pay attention to: You put off your taxes to the very last minute every year, are behind on your payments, or can’t make sense of the language, which might as well be typed in Wingdings, on a DIY platform. Another clue: You do any of the aforementioned unhealthy behaviors like, say, crying, feeling totally overwhelmed, or snapping at your partner. Simply finding the process unpleasant or being strapped on time is enough of a reason, Mergretskaia says.

When searching for an accountant, Mergretskaia recommends first asking your friends, family members, and colleagues for a referral. I also found Yelp to be helpful — though, I will say, people tend to criticize their accountants in public reviews more so than sing their praises. Many accountants also do free discovery calls where you provide them with a run down of your financial situation and they shed light on the services they provide.

A warning: Accountants cost money — a few hundred if your taxes are fairly simple, but between $1,000 to $2,000, sometimes higher, if your situation’s more complicated. Do I love how much this costs? Of course not; but, for us, using an accountant is so very worth it, so we budget for it. (And, hey, if you’re self-employed, you can write off your filing fees the following year!)

There are a few ways to find more affordable options. People with disabilities, incomes less than $69,000, or limited proficiency in English can find free tax support through Volunteer Income Tax Assistance (VITA). H&R Block, a company that provides tax professionals you can work with either virtually or in-person, is a cost-efficient option. In general, finding a pro who is willing to work with you virtually, rather than IRL, helps lower the cost, too, Mergretskaia says.

Astle’s final tip: Find someone who will educate you. You want an expert who will not only do your taxes for you on time, but explain how various aspects — filing, expenses, write-offs, tax brackets, etc. — work and tell you how you can save money in the future if you owe a lot during the first year that you work with them. This, I’ve found, is crucial. My husband and I shopped around and talked to three or four accountants until we found someone who took the time to understand our unique situation and explain how she could help. Tax season still isn’t a delight — I’m not sure that’s possible — but it is no longer the dark rain cloud that once hung over my head all of March and April. And that’s all thanks to our accountant.

When do you actually need life insurance?

2026-03-10T14:14:28-04:00

Let me be frank: I do not have a life insurance policy. I am 37 years old, married, and pregnant with twins. My State Farm agent calls me on a near-monthly basis, encouraging me to secure a life insurance policy because “that is something I really need to do,” but I keep sending her to voicemail.

In my 20s, having a life insurance policy felt like a ridiculous way to spend the barely livable wage I made, especially since I felt invincible and had no dependents (unless you count my perfect rescue mutt). In my early 30s, I entered a serious relationship, but we were establishing our careers — neither of which was all that lucrative — and handled our finances completely separately. My partner’s financial security after my make-believe premature death was not top of mind.

Maybe it’s the pregnancy, or perhaps the impending collapse of society, but I’m finally starting to consider setting up a policy. Still, life insurance remains a total mystery to me. To understand if and when it actually makes sense to have life insurance, I called up a financial therapist and a wealth manager and asked them: When are these things really, truly necessary? Here’s what they said.

What does a life insurance policy even do?

Let’s start with the basics. A life insurance policy is a contract designed to pay out money to people you love — known as beneficiaries — in the event that you die. That money, which typically gets paid out within 14 to 60 days, can help your surviving crew pay bills, student loans, childcare, mortgage, property taxes, rent, and so on. “The money that can come through the payout of a life insurance policy can help them weather what is in store for them for life,” Dina Megretskaia, a principal and wealth manager at Modera Wealth Management, tells Vox.

There are two main types of life insurance: term life insurance, which offers protection for a set period of time (like the next 20 years), and permanent life insurance, which is essentially an account you dump savings into throughout your life. Term policies are cheaper and give you flexibility, especially if you are young or expect your circumstances to change in the future. Permanent plans let you build “cash value,” meaning that, based on interest rates and market returns, your savings will grow over time. The key benefit of permanent policies is that, unlike term policies, they last for life, and the premiums are fixed. Those who want a way to build inheritance for their heirs and stable (yet costlier) premiums may prefer a permanent option.

In most cases, a term policy — that can be renewed, though typically with a higher premium — is most affordable and the way to go, Megretskaia says. Working with a financial advisor can help you determine what kind of plan is best for you, based on where you’re at in life.

The price of your premium (aka the monthly or annual fee you pay) for term life insurance, depends on multiple factors, including your age, overall health, job, coverage, and amount of time you want to be covered. Term policies are usually very cost-efficient, amounting to a couple hundred dollars a year for tens of thousands of dollars of coverage, and even hundreds of thousands, especially for younger, healthy applicants. For example, according to Liberty Mutual, a healthy 30-year-old woman can get a $20,000 term policy for less than $8 a month. A 55-year-old can acquire that same policy for $25.50 a month.

When do you actually need life insurance?

Simply put, the smartest time to get life insurance is when you have dependents of any kind, says Nathan Astle, a financial therapist with Financial Therapy Clinical Institute. What is a dependent? Really anyone who relies on you financially. This doesn’t solely mean people who rely on your income; they may depend on your “unpaid” services, too, such as caregiving. “It’s more flexible than you might think,” says Megretskaia. Most obviously, dependents are your spouse or children, but may also include siblings, chosen family, friends, even parents you planned on caring for one day. “These are people who would be struggling if you did die,” says Astle. You get to determine who your dependents are.

If you don’t have dependents, life insurance is not as important. As Astle told me, “realistically, there are only so many things you can spend your money on.”

That said, if you have a bit of wiggle room in your budget, locking down a policy early — even if you’re young, healthy, and feel you don’t need it — can be a worthwhile, financially-savvy move, according to Megretskaia. Many policies have convertability, which gives you the option to switch a term policy to a permanent policy in the event you get sick — with, for example, cancer, heart disease, or type 2 diabetes — during the course of the policy’s term, she says. Why does this matter? Some providers will not issue new coverage to people with chronic illnesses or renew your policy when your term concludes. Or they may require you to take a medical exam and hit you with a sky-high fee. Convertibility, which you’d enact while your term policy is still active, ensures you’ll continue to have coverage for life, and, better yet, without needing to do a medical exam, says Megretskaia.

A life insurance policy provides peace of mind that, even without savings or a juicy trust fund, you will be able to provide for your family, friends, chosen family, whoever for a period of time if and when you are no longer alive. That way, they can let themselves grieve your death without becoming completely overwhelmed about how they’re going to pay that next bill without you around, Astle says. “Most of us don’t have safety nets, and our families don’t have safety nets, so it’s important to have what you can,” he says.

And if you change your mind, you can always cancel your policy, change it, or set new beneficiaries. You aren’t locked in for life.

Here’s how to nail down a good policy

First, sit down with your loved ones — those dependents — and have an honest, open conversation about what their needs may look like when you’re gone. Knowing how much money to lock in can be a highly emotional decision, says Astle, so you want to really consider “what it would mean for a partner or kids or whoever to receive this amount of money.”

Start by talking about your values and identifying your goals and priorities, says Astle. Do you want to be able to pay off your house? Or cover your child’s college tuition? Maybe pay for your father’s live-in caregiver for 10 years? That will help you evaluate the premiums and figure out what’s affordable. “It’s more of an art than a science,” Megretskaia says.

To find a trustworthy provider, ask your friends, colleagues, or family members for a referral, or check out local ratings on Yelp. You might also want to see if the agent who provides your home, car, or renters insurance offers a life policy that works for you, or look into whether you can opt in to coverage through your employer via a small deduction from your paycheck. If you want to peruse further, head on over to TERM4SALE — this is a website where you can get personalized life insurance quotes, and it’s how Megretskaia personally evaluates the price tag of term policies for her own clients. You could also check out Policygenius or Intelliquote. Before you sign your life away (sorry!), there are a few things to consider.

A few more things to keep in mind: First, Megretskaia always advises her clients to purchase policies with convertibility clauses, just to ensure they’re protected if the unexpected occurs. You also don’t want to skim the fine print. “Read it fully,” Astle says. There are sneaky exceptions and caveats, which vary from state to state, and it’s crucial to know what you’re buying. For example, an insurer can deny paying out your coverage if they detect a “misstatement” — e.g., you claimed you’re a nonsmoker when you do, in fact, smoke. They may also refuse if you die by suicide soon after setting up a policy. Dangerous hobbies, like skydiving, can raise your premiums or result in denied coverage, too.

Astle says it can be helpful to find an agent who is willing to educate you. For ease, you can go with one you’re connected to through your employer or car and renter’s insurer — or, you can work with an independent licensed broker who will share quotes from multiple insurers. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions about what various clauses or language mean regarding your coverage. And, tip from me, pick up the phone when they call.

Finally, be kind to yourself when setting up a policy. Life insurance is inherently confusing and really heavy. “Go into these decisions with some compassion for yourself and some patience,” Astle says.